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Arsenal Jokes


Arsene Wenger is curious how Manchester United did the treble last year, so he decides on a visit to Manchester to see how Alex Ferguson coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Fergie how he gets his players so sharp. "Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally". Of course Wenger wants an example, so Fergie asks Beckham to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'David, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', David answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Fergie says to Wenger.
     Wenger, who wants to win the treble also, decides to bring this into Arsenal's practice the next day. He calls Dennis Bergkamp over to the sidelines. 'Dennis, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My gosh, Coach', is the Dutch Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on it, and why do you ask me these questions?' Wenger explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement.
     So that night Bergkamp decides to call Marc Overmars. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Marc, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Overmars. So the next day Dennis walks full of confidence to Wenger. Wenger asks: 'Dennis, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Marc Overmars?' Wenger answers: 'No of course not you stupid idiot. It's David Beckham."

A man goes into London Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called. All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
"Gosh, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless .... we had the Arsenal players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".


Arsene Wenger was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Alex Ferguson explained that he got all the United players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Wenger try this. Two weeks later, Fergie rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Wenger was still annoyed. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Alex.
"Flaming cones beat us 3-0" muttered Wenger.


A block of flats in London is on fire. From one of the floors a London woman can be seen screaming for help, clutching her baby in her arms. The crowd below are yelling for her to drop the baby and they will catch it.
     Along comes Arsenal's number one goalkeeper, who after much persuasion convinces the women to drop her baby and he will safely catch it in his footballing hands. She drops the baby and he catches without any worry. As the crowd cheers he bounces the baby twice and boots it up the street.

Last year, my aged Great Aunt, who is more than a bit senile, gave me a Arsenal season ticket for Christmas. Not wanting it, I took it down to Highbury, and nailed it to the gates. A couple of weeks later, I had a change of heart, and decided that it was stupid to give something as valuable as that to any old stranger, so I went to retrieve the prized item. When I returned, however, it was too late.
Someone had nicked the nail.


An Arsenal fan and a Man United fan were watching the news on TV. There was a film story about a girl on the ledge of a building threatening to commit suicide. The police were trying to talk her down when the Man United fan says to the Arsenal fan, "I'll bet you five Pounds that she jumps."
The Arsenal fan took the bet. Seconds later, the girl jumps. The Arsenal fan takes five Pounds from his pocket and hands it to the Man United fan.
The Man United says, "I can't take your money. I saw the same film clip on the 6:00 news today and knew she was going to jump."
The Arsenal fan says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think she do it a second time."


Dennis Bergkamp had recently got a new girlfriend. She lived in a house that she shared with some of her friends. One day she rang up Dennis and said "Hey Dennis, why don't you come over...nobody's home."
So he went over. Nobody was home.

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